When Intimacy Feels Like a Threat: Using Your Human Design Environment in Relationships
- Katie Ussery
- Nov 19
- 11 min read
Relationships are some of the hardest things that we will do because despite the tidy boxes we try to put them in, our only option is to be in connection with real people. The problem is that many of us don’t actually want relationships with real flawed humans, we want unachievable perfection that promises to never hurt us (which, idk that sounds nice to me). From this, scrutinizing and judgmental behavior is born and not all of it is baseless. Sometimes the “red flag” is genuinely something to pay attention to for your own safety or a signal that it’s time to examine how much you truly value yourself and your own well-being. Even in a low stakes situation, sometimes it is as simple as “if he wanted to, he would”. Cliches exist for a reason, but how can you tell the difference between toxicity and an overloaded nervous system?
When you start to shift into expecting higher quality treatment whether it’s in relation to your love life or not, no one prepares you for how absolutely wrong and overwhelming it feels. If you’re a little hypervigilant, disorganized attachment, obsessive-compulsive prone like me, your brain may not be able to tell the difference between someone trying to murder you and someone trying to love you. Particularly for women, though anyone could experience this, it is easier to be alone in a lot of ways. A partner is no longer necessary for survival and those repetitive experiences with physical or emotional mistreatment are genuinely damaging. It can lead to justified bitterness, man hating tendencies, or a general sense of being jaded, when behind all of that is someone who really just wants to be loved and doesn’t know how to hold something healthy and substantial.
To a dysregulated nervous system, what is unknown and new is dangerous. What is known and familiar– even if that’s scarcity, emotional starvation, inconsistency, gaslighting, or abuse– is what is ultimately seen as safe and comfortable, so the cycle continues. The only way to move through the discomfort of your own limitations is to learn how to stay in the discomfort without abandoning yourself.
Also, dating feels so embarrassing. Since I started again, after literal years of avoiding it, I feel like I’m performing a never ending humiliation ritual. I ask myself often, if it feels this horrible, why am I doing it? But honestly, I’ve seen more growth in myself after 3 months of dating than I have in the 4 years that I spent avoiding this area of my life. It’s a good reminder that only half of the healing can be done in isolation. Seeing yourself reflected back to you intimately through other people is the quickest way to catch your own patterns and limitations, it’s a gold mine for transformation. Recently though, my nervous system has been so unhinged in the process of getting to know new people that I accidentally created a new dating method for myself. It’s a painfully simple concept but it’s the only thing that has kept me firmly rooted in presence instead of shutting it all down for another 4 years of hibernation. A huge piece of this has been discovering my human design environment.
This variable in human design can refer to the kinds of environments that are most aligned for you and this energetic environment is also created within our relationships– we’ll go over all of the possible environments and how to find yours shortly. I have a passive Kitchens environment which centers collaboration, trial and error, and metaphorically or literally “cooking” with different ingredients. Kitchens is also sometimes described as a “lab” because of its connection to experimentation. After having yet another crash out where I was ready to ghost the person I’ve been seeing, I decided to reframe my relationships within the context of the Kitchens environment. Basically, what if this was just one big experiment?
It’s interesting, there are people who are raised from birth to live in their natural design often unconsciously, but for the vast majority of us, this is not the case. One of my most stubborn “not self” (conditioned) behaviors has been black and white thinking. There is this absolute need for certainty that just isn’t available in the beginning stages of relationships nor is it really available in most areas of life. Eventually the realization dawned that the remedy actually isn’t certainty at all, it’s about building tolerance for gray areas, retraining the nervous system like a muscle. Knowing that I have Kitchens in human design helped me understand that successful relationships for me require mess (i.e. gray areas) in the same way that making a meal means that inevitably, dishes will get dirty. For Kitchens (and any 3 line, profile, color, or tone), as long as alchemy takes place, the mess is worth it but in order to allow that alchemy to happen in the first place, I have to address my conditioning and learned survival mechanisms so that I can return to my own design.
Through this, I came up with what I’ve been calling “Lab Notes”. I decided on a temporary but significant timeframe to get to know people without retreating and now, every time something triggering comes up, I’m logging it as a “Lab Note” for observation. This way, there is no premature abandonment but there’s still a way to observe the feelings that come up without absolutely drowning in them. It’s my way of creating a metaphorical kitchen to cook a potential relationship in but really it seems to work for anything worth spiraling about. When something matters to us, we are the worst possible researchers. We draw conclusions too early, we discard evidence we don’t like, we obsess over noise that ultimately doesn’t matter, we confuse vibes with data. It allows us to take a fact: my partner hasn’t texted me back in 4 hours and separate it from the feeling of: I’m being abandoned and they might also be dead. Most of the time, the panic subsides and you find out that they just fell asleep mid convo.
Here are two real Lab Note examples from my journal.
Lab Note #12
Observation: After moments of high connection (calls, affection, general positivity) I experience a rebound anxiety spike when communication ends. The spike creates the illusion that the relationship has changed, even though the data shows that it did NOT change. This is my pattern, not their behavior.
Action prescribed: Wonder questions.
In this case, I hit something called the “Upper Limit Ceiling”, a term coined by Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap. It’s the idea that when success is near, we start to sabotage ourselves because the good thing feels too uncomfortable and it triggers one of our core childhood wounds. Without observation, it can be impossible to catch the self sabotage. Hendricks proposes that anxiety in particular often shows up because it is trying to block the flow of positive energy and that we can remove the block by asking expansive questions (he calls them “Wonder Questions”) to resume the flow. The Wonder Question that I came up with that day was:
“I wonder if this signal of panic is actually a sign that I’m getting closer to the kind of connection that I want?”
It’s such a simple mindset shift, but one that immediately settled the worms in my brain, actually made me feel more excited about the connection, and ultimately let me continue the experiment even while uncomfortable. Here’s another lab note example.
Lab Note #15
Observation: Today brought two attempted depth conversations, both of which were derailed by this person’s physical and emotional capacity dropping sharply. These interruptions don’t seem to be avoidance or withdrawal but genuine bodily limits (potential illness, exhaustion, etc.). This person still wants to connect deeply and even opens the door to depth themselves, but the quality that they can offer is directly tied to their regulation state.
Growth point: I didn’t spiral, I pivoted to lighter conversation and was able to accept where this person is right now.
Action prescribed: Do nothing. Continue observation over a longer period of time to see if their lifestyle can support the bandwidth necessary to sustain emotionally nourishing conversations in the future.
I wanted to show the difference between an instance that was clearly about my personal triggers versus one that could potentially become a long term issue. At this moment, I don’t have enough data to say that this is a chronic and connection-ending problem and this is exactly the point of this style of observation. It takes away the need to flee or to label someone as emotionally inept and instead allows space for them to be a human being with a job and a life and a body… while still being aware that this may not be enough to sustain the relationship forever. It’s exercising the ability to hold the both/and.
While this method is clearly coming from my experience as a Kitchens person, I also think this format is helpful regardless of human design environment as there are several different variables, types, and authorities that could work in this way. I’m thinking specifically of people with human design emotional authority (50% of the population gains clarity over time, not in the moment), 1, 3, and 6 profiles, fear and desire motivations, projectors generally, undefined spleens, anyone with the 13-33 channel (this channel is about recording experiences), and really anyone that struggles to stay open to love and connection due to CPTSD, codependency, neurodivergence, or simply due to the human condition.
Even though the “Lab Notes” method can work for many different kinds of people, human design is still known as the science of differentiation– it’s worth exploring how each individual environment might create its own version of a relationship container.
// THE HUMAN DESIGN ENVIRONMENTS //
To find your environment, you’ll want to calculate your chart using your birth information, you do need your exact time of birth for this or the information may be inaccurate. Here’s a calculator that I like.
Once you calculate your chart, you’ll want to look at the first number on the bottom left arrow, this tells you what your environment is. You can see mine is the number 3 which correlates to the Kitchens environment. We can get even more specific about the environment with the direction that the arrows are facing and the second smaller number next to it that indicates tone, but for the purposes of this article, we’ll keep it simple.
Remember, this isn’t just about physical location, it’s about energetic context. When applied to relationships, environment tells you what kind of relational ecosystem allows you to thrive. Here’s how each might show up when used as a framework for staying open, curious, and present in connection.
// CAVES //
Theme: Safety, selectivity, controlled intimacy.
Connection happens when there’s a sense of choice and control, there is only one way in and one way out of a cave. You need to know who’s coming into your space, energetically and emotionally, before you can relax enough to let them see you.
Your version of a “lab” might be about noticing: Who do I actually feel safe with? and what happens in my body when I don’t feel safe?
In relationships, you might withdraw to test equilibrium– not to punish, but to recalibrate. If you start spiraling, the experiment could be to observe whether your instinct to retreat is about real threat or nervous system overload. Your data comes from the moments when you reemerge.
Caves people are not avoidant, they are architects of sanctuary. When they can curate their environment and their company, connection deepens exponentially.
// MARKETS //
Theme: Exchange, interaction, value flow.
Markets environments are designed for dynamic reciprocity. They experience love as trade, energy as currency. You learn about yourself through the push and pull of exchange.
Your experiment might be about asking: Where is the energy being traded fairly? Where am I underpricing myself emotionally?
These relationships thrive in movement through conversation, collaboration, shared projects but the shadow side is burnout from constant circulation. This environment is connected to the 2 line, known as “the Hermit” and does require moments of retreat. For you, observation means noticing when you’re trying to “sell” yourself versus when you’re simply being valued.
The lab setup for a Markets person is social but intentional: keep the stall open, but don’t beg people to stop by. It may also be about observing where and with who you feel truly seen and valued versus who you might feel limited and drained by.
// KITCHENS //
Theme: Creation, transformation, collaboration.
You guys kind of got a whole article dedicated to your environment! Kitchens people are meant to cook with others, to see what happens when two ingredients mix. You're testing to see what works and what doesn't.
Your growth edge is learning that mess is not failure. What keeps it healthy: You clean the kitchen as you go. That means repair conversations, self-regulation, and integration after every “spill.” The goal isn’t to avoid the mess, it’s to metabolize it. Your Lab Notes are simple: What am I learning from this ingredient today? What is transforming, even if it’s not comfortable yet? What happens when I change this variable? If you're not in the middle of the action in some capacity, boredom and stagnancy hits and the environment ultimately starves.
For Kitchens, love is not linear, it’s iterative. I do think that it’s worth mentioning that human design motivation does change the “how” and “why” behind your experiments. Since I have innocence motivation, my experiments cannot have any real goal or attachment to the outcome which is counterintuitive to the 3 line and desire-coded undertone of this environment. If you have a different motivation, your experiments may not benefit from passivity in the same way that mine do! Not all Kitchens people are the same.
// MOUNTAINS //
Theme: Perspective, solitude, clarity.
Mountain-environment people value deep understanding and distance. They observe more than they dive in, and they form relationships where they can maintain a vantage point. These people find their truth by pulling back– not emotionally, but perceptually. You need a clear view to understand what’s actually happening. Relationships that feel too close too fast can cloud your discernment.
Your experiment is in finding the right elevation: close enough to feel, far enough to see.
When you’re triggered, your Lab Note might read: What altitude brings me back to perspective?
You thrive when given permission to step out of the emotional noise and return with insight. Distance doesn’t mean disinterest, it’s how you restore your clarity so that what you give is truly wise and not reactive.
// VALLEYS //
Theme: Information flow, communication, grounding.
These people tend to connect through conversation, sharing stories, and exchanging ideas. They flourish in relational spaces that feel open and acoustically safe. Your nervous system stabilizes when words are flowing clearly but when there’s silence, you might start to doubt your footing.
The lab experiment here is about trusting the pause. Can you stay open while communication shifts frequency? Valleys types need conversation, but not constant chatter. It’s about acoustic attunement and noticing how your body responds to tone, word choice, pacing.
They often attract people who value transparency and dialogue. Their relationships can be “spacious” (emotionally and mentally) giving room for growth and mutual understanding. Your Lab Note could ask: Is this silence rejection, or simply rest? You find your truth in the spaces between sentences.
// SHORES //
Theme: Transition, balance, liminality.
Shores environments are relational shapeshifters, often navigating or even orchestrating connections that bridge two worlds or states of being. You thrive in the in-between. Your experiment isn’t about creating stability, but learning to stay regulated while things shift. Your best relationships may be ones that honor change, duality, and movement over rigidness.
Shores people are often attracted to partners who live at the edges– physically distant, emotionally complex, or culturally different. These relationships bring you to your most natural state: one foot in the known, one in the unknown.
Your Lab Notes might be about: What happens when I stop trying to anchor and let the tide teach me? You are not meant to be static. You are meant to be the shoreline itself in the place where movement becomes meaning.
Whatever your environment, your nervous system is the real data collector. Your job isn’t to be perfect, it’s to stay curious long enough to see what’s actually true about yourself and your connections.
Happy New Moon!
Your friendly neighborhood astrologer,
Katie
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